Letters to the Federation of Unionized Cocks FUC
by Jackie K Paper
Summary: Dear FUC, The cock-blocking asshole I'm attached to hasn't let me get near a vagina in over 100 years! Isn't there a limit that straight non-priests can go without letting their cock at some pussy? Sincerely The Virgin Cock attached to Ednonfuck Cullen.
1. FUC

**Letters to the Federation of Unionized Cocks and Others**

**_A/N: This was supposed to be an entry for a contest, but ended up being more of a crack fic ... __I didn't enter the contest, but I figured I'd post it just for shits and giggles._ **

_**A big thank-you to LaMomo and Unimaginative Olena for their help with this silliness :o) **_

**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 1 – F.U.C.<strong>

An open letter from Edward Cullen's Cock to the Federation of Unionized Cocks (F.U.C.)

Dear Federation of Unionized Cocks,

I want pussy. Please help me get some fucking pussy.

The cockblocking asshole I'm attached to won't ever let me near a fucking vagina. I think he's afraid of the pussy. Sweet, yummy pussy.

Well, I assume the pussy is yummy. I keep up with the weekly F.U.C. newsletters. I know about the experiences my comrades have had – and I fucking want in!

In, damn it! In!

I've never even been near naked pussy. I've barely been near a clothed one for fuck's sake.

Except that time Tanya got nice and close. I got hard and pulled Ednonfuck in her direction. He thought he slipped on the ice and "accidentally" slid into her, rubbing my glorious head on that little jean clad crack of hers. Fucker didn't know I coordinated with his feet and made that shit happen.

That's right, Ednonfuck's feet want us to get laid too. They've never had the chance to play footsies. All of us are getting kind of pissed here. I'm pretty sure they're going to contact the Society of Fed-up Feet and Toes to see what they can do about it. Maybe we'll all go on strike.

Since I never get anywhere near pussy, that one time we "slipped" and I "oops" brushed against Tanya – I may have jizzed just a little. That's right, I pulled a Lonely Island and jizzed in my pants. Well, I jizzed in his pants. A condom is the closest to my own personal pants I'll ever have and I'm supposed to jizz in that. And I would, if he would only put one on me and let me have a pussy!

Really, the non-fucker deserved the jizzed pants. I don't mind being a little wet and sticky, I mean, fuck, that's what I'm supposed to feel like after I finally get some pussy action, right? So, fuck him if being covered in cum made him uncomfortable for a while and pissed him off. It eventually froze and made his pants all crunchy. Stupid non-fucker. That's what he gets for non-fucking.

I mean, it's been over one hundred years!

One hundred non-fucking years! Isn't there a limit that straight non-priests can go without letting their cock at some pussy? I would greatly appreciate it if you could take the time to peruse the Federation of Unionized Cocks Charters to check whether there is a time limit that we negotiated at some point.

Maybe, if he had documentation of some kind, he would amenable to getting us laid already.

I know his hands are getting tired of this shit. Now, don't get me wrong, I do like how they make me feel. After one-fucking-hundred years, we've more than got our rhythm down. But they want to squeeze some ass, palm some tit, pinch a nipple. They want to finger the pussy that I want to fuck. They need some real loving with a live, naked woman too, damn it.

Fuck live, one of those dead naked women would do it.

Technically, I'm dead, right? I admit that I never really understood if those of us that are attached to vampires are actually alive or dead? I get that Ednonfuck doesn't breathe or shit or whatever. But I can cum, and my jizz comes from somewhere, right? If there is a sub-group within F.U.C. that specifically works with cocks that are attached to vampires, I would really appreciate it if you could put me in contact with them.

Back to the dead or alive pussy; I don't think I care which I get. Let's go over the pros and cons of each:

Dead Vampire Pussy:

Pros:

- Embedded into a vampire woman, therefore a pair of nice firm tits for my buddies to squeeze and pinch. My goal isn't just to get pussy for myself, but also to get my boys laid and happy. You have no idea how rough it is, sharing Ednonfuck's body with so many unfulfilled and sexually frustrated body parts. You should hear Ednonfuck's nipples complain. Apparently, they are into S&M and want some biting action. Ednonfuck's hands pinch them, but I suspect that he may have to eventually invest in some personal nipple clamps.

- Dead vampire pussy won't get all loose and flappy. I mean, vampire women don't change, right? So, if the vamp-bitch is tight, she'll always be tight.

- Can definitely slam that pussy without worrying about hurting it. I mean, it's already dead.

Cons:

- Not really sure how wet vamp-bitches get. Can someone from F.U.C. contact the Vagina Association to find that out for me? If we have a sub-group for cocks that are attached to vampires, they must have a sub-group for Vampire Vag right?

- If vamp-bitches are hard as stone, their nipples would probably cut glass, not sure that Ednonfuck's chest would really like that much. I know that his nipples like it rough, but his chest and abs seem pretty proud and I'm thinking that they wouldn't want to get all scratched up.

Live, non-dead breathing woman's pussy:

Pros:

- Soft. I bet that shit is so nice and soft. Pushing into that would probably feel fucktastic.

- Wet. I know the live ones get wet. If the hands and mouth and I work together, I am sure that we can get a live pussy nice and wet.

- Hot. That heat's got to feel good. I'm always fucking cold. After over one-hundred years I'm still not used to Ednonfuck being like a walking Popsicle. I know I liked it better when he was warm. Live non-dead pussy would be warm.

Cons:

- No hard fucking. I'd probably break her.

- Might be hard to convince a live one to let me in. I might freeze her clit off.

- Since I've never been near a pussy, I'm not 100% sure how they work. If I fuck her a lot will she get all loose? Maybe you could resend me the newsletter that dealt with pre and post birth pussy tightness? I seem to remember there being a reference to over-pussy-fucking and the loosening factor. Though I seem to recall something about them getting tighter when swollen with lust? I would love for an experienced member to give me more information on this specific topic.

So, in summary, both cold dead-vampire pussy and live non-dead breathing woman pussy have their pluses and minuses. I think I'm good with either option.

The point of my request today, after decades of silence, is for a few of our other members to let me know exactly what they did to get in there. I've received quite a few newsletters that detailed the act itself (you lucky little fuckers); however, in all the years that I've been a full-fledged member of F.U.C.(which is longer than most members, I'm sure), very little has actually been communicated concerning how the member finally got to the naked pussy.

Not that I don't love the fucking stories – the exposé "The True Quality of Hooker Holes" was fantastic and, if Ednonfuck ever pays for it, I'll know more about what to expect - I'm just hoping that somecock can help me get some pussy; the free kind, the paid kind, dead, alive, whatever, just details on how they got there so they could get in.

Did they team up with others? Did they somehow manage to directly communicate with the owner of the body they are attached to? I've heard of men thinking with their cocks - if it's true, how did that member manage to take over? Did they do some crazy ESP shit? Or are they full of shit and they had to wait around until the body owner finally figured shit out and got a woman naked?

Has any cock other than me ever had to wait over one-hundred years to get pussy? If so, how did they deal with it? I'd love to know their coping strategies.

Thank-you in advance for your help,

Best Regards and keep the pussy stories cumming,

I live vicariously through you all,

The Virgin Cock attached to Ednonfuck Cullen

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><p><em><strong>AN: Right . . . so . . . comments anycock?**_

_**For those that don't know "Jizz in my Pants" by Lonely Island **_

_**www (dot) youtube (dot) com/watch?v=VLnWf1sQkjY**_


	2. SHAKE

**Chapter 2 - S.H.A.K.E **

_**A/N: What, another chapter? Yuppers.**_

_**A big thank-you to LaMomo and Unimaginative Olena for their help with this silliness :o) **_

**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

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><p>An Open letter from Edward Cullen's Hands to the Society of Hands And Knuckles Everywhere (S.H.A.K.E.)<p>

Dear Sirs,

We have long considered contacting you concerning our current and long-standing predicament, but recently we have been pushed to take action. Upon reading this communication, we hope that you will excuse our crassness in having contacted you and that you, kind sirs, will find it in yourselves to assist us.

Though we are not generally ones to complain about our existence and use by the body we are attached to, after in-depth negotiations with other components and appendages attached to Mr. Edward Cullen's body, a few of us have either been nominated or taken it upon themselves to contact their local and/or international representatives, unions, societies, federations and so forth, with the hope that one or more of us would be able to put a stop to our communal suffering.

Before detailing our issue, we would like to state that we do not demand nor expect an intervention on our behalf; we do not know whether this would be truly effective nor possible, nor do we blindly believe that you will be able to tell us the cure for what ails us. However, we do hope that you, kind sirs, will be able to perhaps give us a few kind and effective suggestions that will lead us towards resolving the issue.

That issue being the fact that the owner of the body we are attached to has not once, in over a century, allowed us to touch a naked woman in any way, shape or form. Nor have we really touched a clothed one.

It cannot be, you say, how can one avoid the touch of a woman for so many years? Impossible, you say, there are women everywhere; surely he must have contact with some of them. And yes, sirs, he does communicate with women, even lives with a few of them; however, he has never allowed himself, and thus us, to touch any, be they human, vampire or other.

The only time we came close was when the penis and feet attached to Mr. Cullen worked together and "fell into" Ms. Tanya Denali. We would say that it was an unfortunate incident, but we cannot regret the decision made by the penis and feet, as that incident resulted in a spontaneous orgasmic release enjoyed by Mr. Cullen's body and it did allow us to hold Ms. Denali's hands as we helped to pull her to her feet.

We have worked hard to be of service to Mr. Cullen. We consider ourselves elegant and nimble. We are in excellent form, having practiced piano for many years. We hoped that our skill and dexterity would encourage Mr. Cullen and give him additional confidence in the wooing of women, knowing that we would be more than able to manipulate, caress, and pleasure them. However, we remain virtually pure.

We fear we cannot state that we are 100% pure, since we have spent many years working with the penis attached to Mr. Cullen to allow for regular planned orgasmic releases that are actually quite enjoyable for all. We do admit that we were unsure of ourselves the first few years, and it took a very long time for us to reach the level of understanding that we have now; however, over one-hundred years allows for time to develop many techniques. Perhaps, someday we will take the time to submit an article to _Handy Happenings _about our experiences with that specific appendage.

Apart from this experience, we remain pure. We have worked hard to prove our worthiness; however, Mr. Cullen seems to deem us solely worthy of writing and typing. We help with his intellectual development, turning pages for his eyes to read and his brain to process, play musical instruments and yet still, we remain pure. We aid him in hunting and drinking, but even so, we remain pure.

We are saddened to inform you, kind sirs, that none of our efforts seem to have paid off.

We would be appreciative, kind sirs, if perhaps you could forward informative material to us. We understand that you cannot force Mr. Cullen to act on our needs, but could we, perhaps, receive more information on the experiences of others?

Though we love the studies you have forwarded to us on the safe handling of farming tools, the intricacies of mechanical manipulation, and so forth, we were wondering if perhaps you could put us in contact with somehand that would tell us more about things we have never experienced.

We understand that you yourselves are likely well above this inquiry, but we are hopeful that you know of hands that would be willing to enlighten us.

We long to know how it feels to caress the skin of a female. Though Mr. Cullen's penis insists that there will be an extremely notable difference between female vampire skin and human skin, we believe that both must be much softer than Mr. Cullen's skin.

Perhaps somehand could let us know what it's like to hold the weight of a round ass cheek or, better yet, a breast? Are they firm? Malleable? Pliable? How gentle must one be with them? How are they to be squeezed and pinched? Will we hurt them if we pinch too much? Mr. Cullen's nipples seem to find great pleasure in being pinched. They claim that the pain also generates a sense of pleasure. Would this also be true for a woman? Could we pinch her nipples as hard as we pinch Mr. Cullen's?

Though we understand that it is ultimately the penis attached to Mr. Cullen that will enter and spend a great deal of time in the vagina of the woman that we are finally able to touch, we do hope to also have an opportunity to touch one. What are the labia like? Do they hang? Are they firm? Stretchy? Can they be pinched as well?

And the interior heat of a vagina? Perhaps a fellow hand could tell us exactly what it's like? Will it burn us? The penis once again insists that there will be a notable difference between vampire and human vagina. Is this true? Is one likely to be wetter than the other? Is it morally wrong of us to desire to touch at least one of each so as to fully understand? Are there differences between vaginas? Not just vampire to human but within each species? Does one vampire vagina feel much different than another?

Upon rereading our inquires, we ourselves note that we have a great deal of questions concerning vaginas. Has there ever been a publication dedicated strictly to vaginas? If so, Mr. Cullen has not allowed us to handle one. We are aware that other members of the Cullen household have magazines with pictures, but we have never had the pleasure of admiring their glossy pages.

Though, once again, we realize that you may not be able to directly assist us with our issue, and again, we state that we are not demanding nor are we expecting neither an intervention nor a cure, we are hopeful that you, kind sirs, will be able to give us a few simple suggestions that may help us in achieving our goals.

We would be grateful if you could put us in contact with other hands that have experienced what we have not, or publications that detail the experiences such that we are better able to handle said woman once we are finally granted the opportunity.

Humbly yours,

The Hands attached to Mr. Edward Cullen.

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><p><em><strong>AN: Well come on… you did expect his hands to be just a little more formal than his cock, didn't you?**_


	3. 2nd letter to FUC

**Chapter 3 - Second letter from Edward Cullen's Cock to the Federation of Unionized Cocks (F.U.C.)**

_**A/N: Seems Edward's penis has more to say . . . **_

_**A big thank-you (with extra unnecessary hyphens) to LaMomo and Unimaginative Olena for their help with this silliness :o)**_

_**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer.**_

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><p>An open letter from Edward Cullen's Cock to the Federation of Unionized Cocks (F.U.C.)<p>

Dear Federation of Unionized Cocks,

Alright, first I want to thank you for putting me in touch with other cocks that are attached to vampires. The Vamp-Cock guys have been great, they're fucking assholes, but they're great.

Second, now that every fucking cock in the world knows that I'm the oldest virgin dick on the planet, could you maybe do something to stop them from calling me Old Yellower?

I have not turned yellow from lack of sex. I'm actually not a bad looking cock, if I do say so myself. Thick, long, smooth, I hang to the right and curve just a little.

A fellow member informed me that the curve will make the bitch I finally fuck scream out. So, fuck them for the name-calling. All the cocks attached to living non-vampire men can fuck off already. Once I do finally get pussy, I'll be getting it for years and years, and the body I'm attached to will always have stamina. I won't end up hanging useless on some old-ass wrinkly motherfucker who only had like 20 years of good sex.

I may have gone over a century without it, but I'll be fucking it for centuries once I do get it. Asswads.

Now, I'm pleased to let everycock know that my man Ednonfuck has finally found a candidate. She's human and I'm good with that. Hot pussy is better than no pussy.

And I'm getting closer and closer to that pussy, but I'm asking for some fucking help here - how the fuck do I make this shit move along?

It seems that the hands' appeal to the Society of Hands And Knuckles Everywhere (S.H.A.K.E.) was more effective than my appeal to F.U.C. What the hell? I was sure that a F.U.C. had a lot more power than a S.H.A.K.E.?

After a jumpy little incident where the chicky touched the hands and found them all cold, she seems to have realized that Ednonfuck is not human and that cold is good. I think she wants to feel me buried inside her hot cooch, but Ednonfuck is a fucking cockblocker.

Somehow S.H.A.K.E. has helped the hands out. They are getting some action. They got to hold and caress chicky's hands. They got me all tingly and hard. Not that I didn't appreciate the feeling, and I was, and am, extremely happy for them. However, this shit has been going on for months now.

I thought that Ednonfuck would slowly work up to getting me some action . . . but no . . . he's slower than a hippy hybrid turtle-snail trudging through peanut butter while connecting to dial-up internet in the 1980's.

I know the hands are happy to be touching her hair and all, but it's like they've forgotten that their ultimate mission was pussy, just like mine, for fuck's sake! They are distracted by the soft skin on her cheeks. No, not her ass cheeks, just the boring-ass ones on her face. What the fuck? They haven't even palmed ass yet, nor squeezed tits. They've turned traitor. How could they have forgotten our common goal? Pussy, damn it! P. U. S. S. Y. Pussy!

Though I thank the members of the Federation of Unionized Cocks for their sympathy, and I have greatly enjoyed the many stories they have shared about their first times (the penis attached to Aro, I must tell you, that story almost scared me away from pussy forever, thank fuck not everycock's first time was as fucked-up as yours), I really, really want a pussy of my own.

Yes, this chick's pussy might be it. But if I never get to fuck it, how will I know? And how many others do you think I need to fuck before I know which one is really the best pussy for me?

I know some of you are attached to man-whores, so please tell me, of the hundreds of pussies you've had the pleasure to fuck, was there one that stood out? One that you wish the man you were attached to would settle down with so you could fuck it anytime, anywhere?

And can I just add, the cock-in-mouth stories have me fucking intrigued. I have, of course, heard of the elusive blow job (from the descriptions I don't understand where the blowing comes in, though). I suppose that in my quest for pussy I had all but forgotten about this option. Maybe one of my fellow F.U.C. members could let me know how it was that the body they are attached to went for a blow job as opposed to going straight for the pussy? Is there some bullshit progression I have to go through before I get into a pussy?

After all our correspondence, I do wonder more about Ednonfuck. I suppose I understand waiting for a special pussy as opposed to just fucking any pussy. I don't agree with this decision, but, in this body, I evidently don't get to make any decisions. But why the fuck hasn't he let me get a hand-job? Or a blow-job? Or a combination of both? Or maybe I could see if I enjoy the bum fucking. Then Ednonfuck could still be waiting for the "right" pussy, but I'd be fucking something in the meanwhile.

(By the way, the dick attached to Marcus had a fucking great experience to share with me on all of the above – and can I just say, damn Marcus's dick, you've done some nasty shit! I still can't believe that little freaky chick wanted you to put it back in her mouth after that!)

Though the blow job feeling described by some members sounds fucking sweet, I would like to know if one of my fellow members actually prefers the mouth to the pussy? Aren't the teeth an issue? Pussies can't bite. Can they? Fuck, if pussies can bite, somecock better fucking tell me about it. After all these years, if the pussy I finally get has fucking teeth, I'll fucking commit a cockycide . . . Mr. Ednonfuck can go on as an eunuch, the balls and I will leave.

So, now that Ednonfuck has found a fucking candidate, please let me know how I can get him to move past all this hand-holding crap and get to pussy, or at the very least, move on to real groping. I think I'd enjoy jizzing on her tits. The hands can get their squeezes in, the chest can rub up against them, the mouth can suck on them and then maybe I can rub myself between those fuckers and cum all over them.

F.U.C., I challenge you to up S.H.A.K.E. and help me get some fucking pussy.

Thank you,

Best regards and keep the stories cumming,

The Virgin Cock attached to Ednonfuck Cullen.

p.s. Could you resend me the newsletter that dealt with hand jobs? Maybe that could tide me over for a while.

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><p><em><strong>AN: Poor impatient penis **_


	4. Feet for All

**Chapter 4 – Feet for All**

**A/N: This may be easier to understand if you read it out loud (though you may want to think about where you are before you do . . . ).**

_**A big thank-you to LaMomo and Unimaginative Olena :o) **_

**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

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><p>An Open Letter to the American Chapter of Feet for All<p>

To whom it vill be concerning,

Ve vere going to contact the German chapter of Feet for All of vich ve are a member, but ve don't really like ze new president, und, zeeing as here ve are in America und you Americans are the apparent super powers, ve sink you may have more influence und a greater chance of getting us vat ve vant.

Our meister is vampire Herr Edvard Cullen. Ve really don't know how ve got here. But here ve are und ve have been dealing with Herr Cullen for ofer a century.

In that century, ve have had ze pleasure to move slowly und gracefully, und sviftly und surely. Ve have danced rhythmically und ve have stomped childishly, but, until recently, ve have not come into contact vit female feet und toes.

Ve are greatly enjoying zis contact. Ve have played many games of the footsies vit zem. Zey are wigglely und fun to tangle vit.

Hovever, ve vant more. Very much more actually.

Ve Vere zinking that ve vould very much enjoy having her little feet and toes all tied-up und under our control. Ve don't just vant to vatch zem viggle, ve vant to vatch zem squirm.

Ve vant to control zeir pleasure und pain. Ve vant to punish zem vhen they don't treat us vell. Ve vant to show zem how zis punishment can mean great pleasure for zem as vell as for us.

Ve have been in negotiations vit ze penis attached to Edvard Cullen, und ve have realized zat ve bot share anozer goal. To play vit a vagine. Be it from ze outside or ze inside. Vell, die penis insists that it must be ze inside but ve believe that ve can find pleasure in eizer, und ve can bring pleasure to ze voman hovever ve touch her vagine.

Ve vere hoping Edvard vould move us up her legs to feel ze heat between them. Ve vere hoping he vould let us rub against her zere. Ve have discussed vit ze penis vezer veder or not he vould enjoy like treatment, und he feels zat to have ze voman's little toes und feet stroking him under a table ven ozers are around could be very exciting. Very exciting indeed.

Ve, ourselves und ze penis, vere hoping that you could contact zis woman, the one zat zese feet are attached to, to see if ve could come to an understanding. Ve could have a vonderful relationship. For von, ve vant to see ze feet attached to zis voman all tied in knots; for two, ve vant to have her feet play vit ze penis, und for sree, ve vant to have our time vit her vagine.

Und maybe ve could vork out a punishment for zose naughty toes ven zey do not please ze penis properly.

Ve know zat zis is a lot to ask. But ve have had no sexual action vat-so-ever for ofer von-hundred years, und ve feel ve deserve zis.

Ve vere vanting you to negotiate ze details of ze agreement vit ze feet und toes attached to zis woman. Ve sink that she vill be around for a vhile, and ve vant to do zis right.

Before you enter into negotiations, zere are many things to be considered. As ve mentioned before, ve have communicated wiz ze penis and, actually, ve have communicated vit ozers. It seems zat ze mout is also hoping to expierence zis voman's feet and toes. The mout vants to suck and nip on zem.

Ve are not sure zat zis vill be pleasing to her toes as ve ourselves do not sink that it vould be pleasing to us. But ve are not her and ve do not pretend to understand ze vays of ze vomans of the vorld. Ve only know zat ve ourselves do not need ze mouth of ze voman to suck und nip us.

Ze nipples have also expressed zat zey vould be interested to know vat ze feet und toes of zis voman vould be villing to do to zem. Zey vant to feel ze pleasure pain zat ve have described to zem. Zey are zinking zat maybe ze toes of zis voman could pinch them und maybe, ven Herr Cullen is laying down, her feet could stand on zem or valk ofer zem.

They zeem to vant to be made to hurt. If ve could dominate zem ourselves ve vould, but Herr Cullen is not flexible enough for us to be able to vork our magic vit ze nipples.

In short, zough zis correspondence has been much longer zen we expected, we are very hopeful zat you vill be able to contact ze body zat ze feet and toes ve have been playing vit are attached to, und ve are hopeful zat you vill be able to reach an agreement zat vorks for all the parties involved.

Ve tank you in advance for your assistance,

Zee Feet and Toes attached to Herr Edvard Cullen

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><p><strong>AN: Yes Edward's feet and toes are kinky Germans, and no they probably wouldn't actually write ze vay zey talk. What? He's a vampire… and it's a crack fic – you can't expect everything to make sense.**


	5. 3rd and last letter to FUC

**Chapter 5 – Third letter from Edward Cullen's Cock to the Federation of Unionized Cocks**

**A/N: And the last of the silliness.**

_**As always, big thanks to LaMomo and Unimaginative Olena for their help :)**_

_**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer.**_

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><p><em><em>An open letter from Edward Cullen's Cock to the Federation of Unionized Cocks (F.U.C.)

Dearest Federation of Unionized Cocks and all its members,

Can I please get a Y to the motherfucking S?

That's right, Old Yellower is fucking red and purple and whatever fucking color you are when you've released a multitude of jizz, many many times over – that's right, no more blue balls, no more living vicariously through other F.U.C. members.

I know somecock out there is fucking green with envy - like the cock on that dog-boy that's been around lately – I know he wanted to be the first to mount my bitch – but I got her first, you little puppy fucker!

I can now officially say that I am no longer the oldest virgin cock in the world (I think that honor goes to the cock attached to Felix, though I think the dick attached to Alec may need more of our pity since he holds the record of the longest time without sex – sorry, dude… that totally sucks).

F.U.C., whatever you fucking did to make that shit happen, I thank you, and I thank all the members that gave me information on what to do to last as long as possible and how to minimize downtime between fucking sessions.

That's right, sessions, motherfuckers! As in, more than one fucking session. EdTheFuckingMan and I have been fucking for weeks now. And I gotta say that the pussy I've gotten is fucking sweet! And she was a virgin. That's right, my first had never been touched before me. She was pure and clean and mine.

I know a few of our members want some details, so instead of corresponding with each of them individually, I thought it would be best to contact F.U.C. and ask them to consider publishing this letter in their weekly newsletter.

So, cocks, let me tell you. Even after all the information you gave me and the expectations I had, shit did not go down how I thought it would.

EdTheFuckingMan did it all in one night. After over a century of all of us waiting for action, we got it all over the course of a few hours. The hands had enjoyed some action and the feet were getting some rubdowns, but in one evening we went from virtually nothing to getting the pussy!

The hands really got the most action for the first hour or so, but then it was all me, fuckers, all me.

EdTheFuckingMan undressed himself and stood in the fucking ocean for what felt like forever while he waited for the chicky to get her naked ass down there. Of course, I was immersed in the fucking water and didn't know what the fuck was going on until he suddenly pulled her against us.

Oh. My. Fuck. Naked woman all over us. Like everywhere. It's safe to say that all of us were hyperaware of her and we were all in over-drive. The toes and feet were doing this wiggly dance thing, the nipples were rubbing up on her and the hands were in their element. All that piano playing finally paid off.

I was fucking rock hard as the hands did their thing. And damn, if the little minx didn't reciprocate.

She was hesitant at first. Not quite sure how to hold me. She seemed to be afraid to squeeze too hard or move to fast. I mean, I'm attached to a fucking vampire! She could have hit me with a hammer at warp speed and I would've jizzed. Luckily, the hands returned from lalaland, remembered our little deal and helped the chicky out. Damn, if they didn't show her the rhythm that we'd worked on for years, and damn, if it didn't feel completely different when it was her hot little hands doing it. I fucking jizzed right there in the ocean like 3 minutes in.

A few members told me ahead of time that this would be a good thing and would help me last longer once things moved to the blow job, since that was the progression a few of you mentioned. Well, fuck that cocksters, EdTheFuckingMan got me from the hand job to the pussy – how do you like them apples?

EdTheFuckingMan lifted chicky and carried her to the bedroom, all wet with ocean water and her cum. I am sure that shit was leaking down her legs – I mean, she may not have waited over a century but she was feeling needy too.

EdTheFuckingMan did his touchy feely kissy kissy seduction thing and chicky touched me some more and then kissed down his chest. The chest was happy about that and the nipples were fucking ecstatic when she sucked on them and she even bit one. It was almost like she knew exactly what to do to them. She finally got down to me and she did one of those gentle barely there little kisses on my head. And then she fucking stopped. I think she may have been afraid that I'd chip her tooth (Vladimir's Cock, I just couldn't get over that story! That human girl must have looked like nasty once you were done with her!).

"You don't have to do that," said EdTheFuckingMan, though at the time he was still Ednonfuck to me, since I was sure he was about to call everything to halt without letting me get some tongue action, let alone pussy.

But I was so wrong. He fucking pulled her up the bed and twisted around so she was underneath him, then he used his knees to push her legs wide open and there I fucking was. At the entrance to fucking pussyland.

EdTheFuckingMan was nervous and inched me forward fucking slowly. I could feel the heat long before I actually touched it. Shit, human women have hot pussies. Hot and dark. I get the Cock attached to Peter's lovecave joke now – but I still don't think it's all that funny.

When I was just getting in there, she took a deep breath and freaked EdTheFuckingMan out. He was all "I don't want to hurt you. I love you so much." Blah, blah, blah. I wasn't sure if maybe Ednonfuck was going to stop right then and there without even breeching her, but after some kissing and caressing and whatever, she calmed down and he pushed be all the way in. I think I heard the girl screech or groan or something, but just about all sound was fucking muffled in there. It sounded like the teachers do in those Charlie Brown cartoons.

Then EdTheFuckingMan went for it. Fucking hell. In, out, in, out, back, forth, in, out, to the side, over, under, in, out. Fucking hell, I didn't know what the fuck was going on, but she was soaking, and scorching and fuck, I don't think there are words to express what it felt like to finally be in there.

Now, F.U.C. members, I know that it seems that I'm always fucking complaining, however . . . I do have one huge ass issue with what's going on. EdTheFuckingMan Cullen may well become EdTheOneFucker, since he went and fucking married this pussy! That's the only reason I finally got in there!

I mean, I'm more than fucking grateful that he finally let us at it. But did he have to fucking marry it first? Luckily, it's a very nice one. No teeth. But fuck, I don't have anything to compare it to! And I probably never will. How the fuck could he tie to me only one pussy for my entire existence?

After over a century of not fucking, shouldn't I have a right to test many pussies, not just one?

F.U.C., could you please, please, check the charters to see if this is allowed? Can he really tie us to only one pussy when it's the only one we've ever fucked?

What about everyone else? The hands will only squeeze these tits; the nipples will only be bitten by one set of teeth. What if she doesn't bite hard enough? She is human, after all.

At this point, my only consolation is that with any luck, he won't turn her into a vampire. We'll enjoy her for a few years until she starts to droop and then we'll get a new pussy to play with. Maybe a vampire one. Though I guess if he did change her into a vampire at least I'd get to experience that. Fuck, what if I like her pussy better as a human? It's not like she can be changed back again!

Alright, so that's my update. I would appreciate it if you could get back to me on this marriage/one pussy for life issue as soon as possible.

As my plight has caught the attention of many, I will be sure to keep F.U.C. and all its members up-to-date on any developments,

The Pussy Invading Cock attached to Edward Cullen

The End

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I really don't know what excuse I have for writing this little fic. Um . . . I eat too much sugar and don't get laid often enough?**

**Oh and to hear what teachers sound like in Charlie Brown check this out www (dot) youtube (dot) com/watch?v=ss2hULhXf04**


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